Field Notes: Kopi Date Overview
I’m deciding not to write about my third and final Kopi Date for two reasons. Firstly, it is a bit hard to separate all the experiences now that I have completed all 3 credits. Secondly, I thought we had things in common and had a nice connection and that wasn’t reciprocated and I’m sad about that. No point rehashing that.
This is my final overview of my Kopi Date Adventures.
I am, of course, rating the service and not the people who use it- because I have to admit, that would be unfair to the Kopi Date team. If you are in the business of people, you can’t control the people engaging in your business (even with an OnBoarding Call).
Let me start with some lists:
PROS
Because Kopi Date arranges everything logistically, it is very good for busy people who cannot spend time making plans ( or have secretaries who are overworked1).
It definitely saves time on the ‘swiping’ (because there is no swiping).
You really meet a variety of people, particularly those that lie outside your social circle.
Dates are set up with Singaporean-like efficiency (this is a local brand).
Growth Mindset is at the centre of what they do. You can see it built into every system.
The kits are built to be conversation-centric. Also, they are so cute!
CONS
If you are like me and you work irregular hours, you need to keep your availabilities updated regularly. If you cannot make it, Kopi Date opens a chat function for you to reschedule your own date and then update them. The first time is free, subsequent incidents include a $5 penalty.
The Onboarding Call and subsequent feedback calls do follow a script and it is not as personalised as it feels like it could be.
Busy and lazy people might not feel the need to write their descriptions well, even though this is the very first impression your date will get of you.
The lists above are general and I do want to expand on some points.
All The Good Things
I do like the concept of Kopi Date where you show up, you meet someone, you have a conversation or do an activity and hopefully, you like each other. It’s very meet-cute-esque. I can see how a novel experience can allow strangers to connect and have something that is shared- I truly appreciate this aspect of Kopi Date. This is why I was excited about the kits because it would be the one thing the dates and I would have in common.
It is also very nice meeting new people especially people that you might not curate for yourself. I think time after time, I meet people who are in the same social spheres as me. I gravitate towards them because I know we will have something in common. Meeting people outside my sphere was great and very helpful for me ( even with just 3 credits). I had to be curious about them, and try and convince them to open up and be honest or potentially vulnerable with me. Not everyone was- but honing this skill and using this muscle is valuable to me. I might not click with someone in the end but I do want them to feel seen and vice versa.
The resources and follow-ups do have growth at the centre of it. Even if you did not click with someone, there was something that you definitely learnt from that person or that experience. I learnt that I like fun and spontaneity, I like to be intellectually stimulated and I am looking for a little bit of vulnerability from someone. This is a lot clearer now having gone through the experience.
Lastly, there is some assurance that people using the service are interested in something long-term (because they are paying for it). You may not have access to the pool of people, but the fact that there is a financial commitment to find someone might mean that they don’t take the opportunity to meet with you lightly.
… Not So Good Things
While I do appreciate the Singapore-like efficiency for dates, the onboarding process (Kopi Brew) and the feedback sessions (Bar Chats) follow the same efficiency. I think it is scripted. I suspect there is a back-end form they are trying to complete so depending on who you are, it can feel impersonal. I get why they do it- they want to be able to keep track of everyone. Just take note, so that you know what to expect.
I also have to say that because of the number of people they work with, their email is full and it does take time for them to get back to you. If and when you do get to speak to the team, try and clarify all your questions then and there. This is especially true if you are the kind of person who needs to be sure of the process.
The last point I want to make is in my opinion, not bad but I can see it turning off some people. During the Bar Chats feedback sessions, they will summarise everything the dates said about you and provide you with brutally honest feedback (trust me!). Not all of you will be able to take it. They will ask you to reflect on that process. And remember this is all scripted so there might be very little processing time for you.
Rest assured that I have asked the team to consider the feedback in its totality and not focus on outliers or fluke dates (which is what my experience was). Bar Chats are planned to take place after the first, fifth and tenth dates so hopefully once you are deeper in the process, there are trends you can learn from. (From what I understand, this is also new, so they can check up on you from time to time, so it might be adjusted by the time you are reading this).
The idea is to listen to the feedback and consider it. At the minimum, that is what you should do. It’s okay if you agree or disagree. The point is to reflect on it. Kopi Date do want to note your reflections down in the interest of helping with the curation.
SO NOW HOW?
I would still recommend Kopi Date. I do think it is a novel idea and in Singapore, we don’t always have the opportunity to have a new experience with a stranger. I appreciate the conversation-centric nature of the service and the growth mindset they try to implement everywhere. You really have to trust the process with Kopi Date and if you are open to relinquishing some control, go for it!
Unfortunately, my financial advisor2 says that it’s a bit too pricey for me to continue. I suspect this is a barrier to entry for some great people.
The experience has made me wonder what Singaporeans want in a partner, how people currently date, and what they have conversations about. There had to be a gap in the market to create a service like this and there is the question of if that gap had been filled.
On a personal level, I do think that I have experienced some growth. I didn’t feel the need to over-impress everyone I met up with, which would have been something I would have tried to do in my early 20s. Embracing the company’s values and being genuinely myself was something I was focused on. In the end, it is okay if 3 credits did not bloom into anything else. It did not need to. There was no pressure for it to.
Now, I’m walking away with new questions that I would like to work out the answers to. Onward to the next curiosity.
This week’s curiosities:
While I’ve learnt to question polls commissioned by The Straits Times, this poll and the accompanying article on Millenials and Work-Life Balance resonated with me.
I finished reading Love, Factually: The Science of Who, How and Why We Love this week. It was not as science-y as I liked ( a lot of it is in footnotes) and there are papers cited that feel dated, which is surprising for a book first published in 2019. Nevertheless, this is an easy read with points worth considering.
Please enjoy this reel explaining how weird dating can be.
I’ve finally tried 1 round of Choose Love on Netflix. Wouldn’t it be nice if finding someone was an interactive movie on a streaming platform?
I am my own secretary. I am overworked. I cannot quit.
I am my own financial advisor.